New Year

I have had a sucky year in many ways, except for work and my trip to Australia. I was unable to run most of the year, and have ended the year with a house full of people instead of getting shed of some like I wanted to.

The one thing I didn't do that I really should have was be better with money, and now times are bad and my 401k has tanked. I feel so out of control in many respects that I feel like my money is just a part of that. I waffle between just telling the world to go f themselves and hide out in my own little world, and wanting to be in control of my life again.

The first thing that has to go is all of the people who stay at my house. While we were gone, I expected my 2 extras to be here. But instead, there were people who dropped by and stayed. I didn't give explicit instructions to not have others here, so I guess they just assumed a free for all. There were cigarette butts and beer cans in my yard. This has GOT to go - we are going to have a come to Jesus meeting tonight and there will be no more unauthorized children here.

The second thing that has to go is the money I spend on even the authorized children. I have been making sure that all of these kids have spending money. I don't need to be told that this is counter productive. But I hate to see someone without a penny in their pocket while everyone else goes to McDonalds or whatever. I have justified this by saying that I feed them anyway, but I have got to start buying cheap snacks and making them work a little harder to find their own money.

So this year my goal is getting my money act together, but also doing what is necessary in the rest of my life so that I am not so frazzled.

This all basically boils down to avoiding procrastination, and procrastination is my specialty. I get waaay to worked up over unpleasant tasks, to the point that it is making me miserable. I get free mental health benefits, so maybe I will go to counseling to help me set goals for paperwork and money. Unlike some changes I know I can never make, I can set up my money stuff so that the budgeting and totalling is automatic. I am 95% there, and just need to take the time to finish setting it up, do the budgeting, pay attention every damn day, and not let these heathens around here take advantage of my soft spots.

And now for something entirely different

I am going to do something that is a pet peeve, that I HATE in other people, and that I have specifically made fun of in a best friend. This is only marginally related to my trip to Australia, but I can't blog on myspace at work and I just have to say these things. This is very self-indulgent, so don't feel the need to continue, dear reader.

I am going to talk about how fat I am, and how I felt fat and hopeless when I had to put on size 6 pants yesterday - the very ones I almost didn't buy because they looked saggy. Well they don't anymore.

The combined effect of eating whatever I wanted while travelling, not running, and not lifting weights has put about 5 pounds on, but the effect is much more because what was muscle is now gooshy, lumpy fat. I just don't know if I have the emotional energy to diet around the holidays, and I am feeding so many people at my house that I am buying junk food. I manage to resist most of it, but have these stupid lapses like eating saltine crackers. YUCK. Why did I need those with soup? And I ate a cold piece of toast this morning just because Dailey made it for me.

I hate, hate, hate, this feeling. I don't want to obsess, but dammit, I am obsessing. I have been lazy and am paying the price and now I am deeply sorrowful and regretful.

More people

I am over my cold now and can write about people with a clear head. On to the next two people, those that I knew online the longest, Sam and Bec. I know you are reading this Sam but I am going to try to ignore the fact and write my impressions anyway. Why did I start doing this and feel compelled to continue? I have no idea but here goes...

Sam is almost impossible to describe. She has an external persona that is at odds with her internal capabilities and it took me awhile to try to reconcile this and readjust my thinking. On the surface she is ditzy (that is not really the right word - light hearted maybe?), impulsive and describes herself as dumb. She really is none of those things and the clash is painful. For example - she drank until she was ill, which is certainly impulsive, but then handled the entire throwing up and getting on the plane with aplomb. She says she doesn't like to travel, but manages to do more than most people ever think of doing. And she keeps an insane amount of information in her head about people and connections, but then is shy about approaching them. She was the only person to make fun of my accent, but it was not offensive. There is some real cognitive dissonance going on here.

This is my psychoanalysis of it, totally amateur: I see in Sam a trait that I have, which is a need for constant brain stimulation, and I think has driven her into her job which allows her to cram her brain full of work and internet stuff at the same time. But this drive isn't always productive - in my case it has made me despise being a manager or anything that involves lots of boring meetings - in though I could "get ahead" this way. And from what I have heard her say, she is in a job surrounded by people with much less intelligence than she has and probably is underutilizing her intellect. And so she plays into this by being silly - you have to get to know her or read her before you figure out how damned smart she is and she really doesn't want to own up to this. Then she might have to feel torn about going back to university, or looking for a more challenging job, or any of those things that may or may not be the right thing to do. So she has the Mad Cat Lady persona that conveniently describes her outer self - but it does not do justice to her complex inner life.

The weird thing is that she was agreeable and fun in every stage from stone cold sober to drunk to hungover. Never bitchy or morose - most people go through those stages at some point.

So forgive me Sam for my arm chair analysis - probably all wrong. I was very interested to see how you fit into this generally brainy crowd, and it is obvious that you are one of them too - just in disguise :)

Bec is hard because she is exactly how I pictured her, just smaller. She is a wonderful mix of practical and fun, rational and kind. She has a femininity without girliness that I would like to have, but don't ever seem to manage. And in a dress - what a knockout. She is so self-assured and together that it is hard to say anything except I enjoyed being around her immensely. Growing up in a family of engineers, I think I know one when I see one, and she definitely is one. In fact I think I automatically related to her more as I would a co-worker than as a friend, and that was a mistake on my part.

I am so glad I got to meet both Sam and Bec - it was a highlight of my trip - and hope it will not be the last time.

Next up????